Making a Clean (Classy) Break

There might be fifty ways to leave your lover, as the old song says, but none are easy, and not all of ‘em are classy. The relationship may be over, but how you make that happen reveals a lot about a person. Whether you need to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or you’ve become recently single, you’ll find comfort and guidance in knowing that nearly all of these commonly used methods could use improvement, and that there is one breakup method that’s actually pretty classy.

The Comic – Hides his (or her) gaping chasm of security with witty remarks. “If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.” His remarks are guaranteed to provoke hostility, and he’ll concoct a dramatic story that he believes makes him sound ultra-in-charge.

Class rating: ♥

The Sissy – She says, “I love you like a brother” and thinks it’ll soften the blow of rejection. The good news is, she cares about how other people feel. The bad news: She just made him feel like he’s eight years old again.

Class rating: ♥♥♥

The Machiavellian – “I don’t want to leave, but…” This sentence ends with your deficiency. You must change who you are or what you do if you want to stay together. If this tactic is successful, the Machiavellian will rely heavily on this tactic for all future negotiations.

Class rating: ♥♥

The Houdini – Houdinis don’t. They don’t break up. They just vanish. They are gutless cowards who leave behind a shattered partner who hasn’t yet realized he or she has dodged a bullet.

Class rating: ♥

The Fade – Like a Houdini, this person disappears, but they do it slowly. They don’t answer calls or return texts as often. When they do, the conversations are shorter and lack substance. Faders are often people who genuinely care about their partner’s feelings and undergo a great deal of confusion before they make their final decision to leave. They hope their partner will fade so they can avoid an uncomfortable scene. By the time the final bell rings, their partner has been expecting it for a while.

Class rating: ♥♥♥♥

The George Washington I – “I cannot tell a lie.” When done with kindness, this is the classiest method of breaking up. “I care about you, but we’re not compatible. We’ve tried, but it’s simply not going to work. I cannot be committed to you in a way you deserve.”

Class rating: ♥♥♥♥♥

The George Washington II – When a Washingtonian has a cruel streak in them, they may use blame and insults to ensure their partner stays gone. “You haven’t worked in a year and I can’t stand the way you brush your teeth.”

Class rating: ♥♥

The Terrible Texter – Taps a quick “It’s been nice. Now it’s not.”

Class rating: ♥

The Dramatic Exit -- When a man or woman has been treated wrong, it's tempting to stage a public scene that will humiliate the jerk. People with bold personalities can create a memorable and thought-provoking experience but it's hard to do this well and can backfire easily.

Class rating: ♥♥♥